Homophobia finally overcome!, declares Black Lives Matter blogger

Blogger and Black Lives Matter activist Ariel BelongsintheSea has triumphantly declared an end to homophobia in America.

Hooray!

In a surprise post this weekend, Ms. BelongsintheSea took to her keyboard to remind her thousands of followers that the Supreme Court, in a landslide 5-4 decision, officially recognized same-sex couples’ constitutional right to marry. 

The SCOTUS decision, declared 8 months ago, was leaked to Ms. BelongsintheSea by an undisclosed informant, making us here at B & S strike our heads as if we could’ve had a V8.

How could we have missed this scoop!

Ms. BelongsintheSea goes on to describe not only the support of us stinky gay folk by the entire heterosexual community, but, more importantly, the details of a bi-partisan Pride party to be hosted by none other than candidate for the Republican nomination for President, Ted Cruz.

“Republicans will wear strap-ons as hats, and Democrats will line the mahogany balustrade of Cruz’s Texas Estate chanting “Yas Queen” in Gregorian style.”

Yet, where there’s unanimity, there’s a word that kind of sounds like enmity.

Ms. BelongsintheSea signed off her blog post by enumerating a list of cultural appropriations waged against black Americans by newly-equal homosexuals.

The list includes the theft of “Yas Queen!” from possibly black drag queens, having sex with black men, and enjoying R&B.

So I ask to my newly first-class-citizen followers:

As a newly-equal gay American, how will you curb your own queer culture so as to better integrate into the amorphous blob of white straight Americans who beckon us forward to the coveted sovereignty of now-unchecked privilege?

Leave your answers in the comments section below!

 

Local unemployment rate projected to “plummet” as Charleston homeless swept from peninsula

Charleston’s first new mayor in over forty years, whose election may or may not stir a pang of guilt in the hearts of Millennial non-voters who said F*ck it and smoked another joint instead, has announced that he plans to stay true to his campaign promise to drop the unemployment rate.

Tecklenburg, 97, told B & S on Friday:

Policy makers across the country have gone mad trying to bring new jobs to their constituents. What’s so brilliant about my plan is that—while Charleston’s unemployment rate will plummet by nearly ten-thousandth of a percent—absolutely no capital will be wasted on paying living wages to Charlestonians.

Tecklenburg has said that the new cleansing initiative will not be instated immediately, but will be completed “faster than Chipotle.”

Charleston homelessness advocates have praised Tecklenburg’s plan as “not as evil as the Holocaust and the Rwandan genocide put together.”

This after the fledgling mayor’s Instagram picture of a 9 month-old chicken nugget reached a record-breaking 11 likes.

In other news, the construction of a new two-story hotel has been green-lighted by the Charleston Architectural Board.

The site of the hotel remains confidential for now, but when questioned by our B & S intern, a CAB representative said “We would have let the developers build higher, but they’d’ve hit the bridge.”